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He provided many counseling illustrations and pertinent suggestions from pastors, doctors, and friends, among them Dr. Ed Wheat, a family physician who has prepared a superb series of lectures on the subject.
When we met him at our Family Life Seminar in Tulsa, Oklahoma, he presented us with a complete set of his cassettes and graciously offered us the freedom to use anything in them. In fact, Dr. Wheat includes information in them that we have not found in the fifty or more books we have scrutinized on this subject. Inasmuch as most of the people we counsel are Christians, we concluded through our reading that Christians generally experience a higher degree of sexual enjoyment than non-Christians.
However, there was no way to prove our assumption. We then prepared an intimate survey for married couples and offered it to those who have attended our Family Life Seminars.
By comparing the responses with those of secular sex surveys, our conclusions were confirmed and other interesting and valuable facts were discovered.
The results of our survey appear in chapter 13, and parts of it are scattered through the book. While we were writing the last chapter of this book, Redbook magazine published a Sexual Pleasure Survey showing the preferences of , women.
Why You Act the Way You Do by Tim LaHaye
The survey was taken by the magazine and written by Robert J. On the strength of his research Mr. But we do believe it contains much valuable information helpful to almost any married couple, and several of its insights are not currently found in any other book of its kind.
We therefore send it out with our prayers that God will use it to enrich both the love and the love lives of those who read it. To date there are over two and a half million copies in print in English alone.
Nor did we dream that it would be given or recommended by more ministers than any other on this subject to the young couples they marry. Scores of pastors have told me that they make this book required reading for couples before they begin their premarital counseling sessions. In fact, many young pastors have told me that their pastor had given it to them prior to their own marriage, and because it was such a blessing to them, they now give it to all the couples they marry.
Several reported that they keep extra copies on hand to give to newlyweds or to those counselees who are having trouble in this area. I have given at least three hundred copies to premarrieds or couples in need.
They were lying in bed, with the covers up around their necks. Around them were twelve copies of The Act of Marriage—wedding gifts from some of the many young couples in the church whom he had compelled to read the book before they were married. I cannot tell you how many parents have proudly told me they gave it to their son or daughter just before marriage.
The amazing thing is that the book came very close to not being published in the first place. It took us two and a half years to write the original version, including research, testing and talking with many doctors, counselors, and married couples. During this process the word got around to some of my minister friends. Nine of them came to me with great concern. We certainly did not want to jeopardize our ministry. In quite a vivid way the Lord caused us to search our motives: Were we more interested in helping people or protecting our ministry?
That was an easy decision to make, so we sent the book in, and every year it continues to minister to thousands of couples. Yes, even more than we ever dreamed. So you may well ask, why then a new edition with updated and expanded concepts? True, but our culture has. Teens today know more about sex than those of any other generation in the history of the world, thanks to humanistic educators and amoral movie and TV producers.
Some of the subjects we discreetly touched on in passing can be expanded on today. In addition, some of the latest discoveries in the field of medicine and social practice confirm the very principles we teach. And more important, these past twenty-two years have given us even greater proof and more illustrations that the true beauty of sexual love is best found in a Christian marriage.
In fact, we will prove in this version that Spirit-controlled Christians enjoy the beauty of sexual lovemaking more than anyone else in our society. We also include the answers to some of the questions some readers have sent in. We are convinced that with the publication of this version, The Act of Marriage just got better.
After you have read it, we hope you agree. Notes 1. Robert J. One The Sanctity of Sex The act of marriage is that beautiful and intimate relationship shared uniquely by a husband and wife in the privacy of their love—and it is sacred.
In a real sense, God designed them for that relationship. That charge was given before sin entered the world; therefore lovemaking and procreation were ordained and enjoyed while the man and the woman continued in their original state of innocence. This necessarily includes the strong and beautiful mating urge a husband and wife feel for each other.
Doubtless Adam and Eve felt that urge in the Garden of Eden, just as God intended, and although we lack any written report for proof, it is reasonable to conclude that Adam and Eve made love before sin entered the garden see Gen. The idea that God designed our sex organs for our enjoyment comes almost as a surprise to some people. But Dr. Again, this occurred before sin marred the perfection of Paradise. After forty years of counseling hundreds of couples in the intimate areas of their marital lives, we are convinced that many have the erroneous idea lurking in their minds that something is wrong or dirty about the act of marriage.
To dispel this false notion we note that all three members of the Holy Trinity are on record in the Bible as endorsing the relationship. Anyone attending a Christian wedding has probably been reminded that the Lord Jesus Christ chose a wedding at which to perform His first miracle; ministers almost universally interpret that as His divine sign of approval.
In addition, Christ clearly states in Matthew God the Holy Spirit is certainly not silent on the subject either, for He endorsed this sacred experience on many occasions in Scripture.
In Hebrews Anyone who suggests anything amiss between husband and wife in regard to the act of marriage simply does not understand the Scriptures. Subconsciously I was reluctant until recently to use the word coitus to describe lovemaking, even though I knew it to be an accurate term.
For More Than Propagation My first sex counseling experience was a complete wipeout. As a junior ministerial student, I was stopped one day by a soccer teammate as we left the practice field for the shower room.
I had noticed that this big, athletic young man was not himself.
By nature he was an easygoing fellow, but after some months of marriage he became tense, irritable, and generally uptight. I have found many passages that touch on married lovemaking; some speak primarily about propagation, but many others prove that God intended the act of marriage for mutual pleasure.
Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. Men who are disinterested and women who are averse to sex increase tension in the home, and this tension is often followed by unkind and selfish expressions or conduct that can be disastrous to a marriage. In many cases an unfulfilled sex life leads to infidelity or divorce. About five years after the first edition of this book had been published, I spotted a lonely looking woman in her early forties coming into our Sunday evening service.
Somehow I was not surprised that she was waiting for me when the service was over. Thinking I had never met her before, she introduced herself—the former wife of my college athlete friend mentioned above. In the twenty years they were married she had borne him four sons, all of whom were separated from their father most of the time now since he had divorced her.
Apparently the day came when he could no longer tolerate her self- imposed abstinence or celibacy, and he became attracted to someone who was more responsive to his sexual needs.
While his decision to leave his family cannot be condoned in a Christian, I am confident, knowing the youthful character of the man and his commitment to Christ, that it would not have happened if his wife had not been afflicted with an unbiblical mental attitude toward married lovemaking.
For as we shall discover later in this book, the most important organ either partner brings to their wedding bed is their brain. It controls all other organs. However, the contrary is true. The Bible always speaks approvingly of this relationship—as long as it is confined to married partners. The only prohibition on sex in the Scripture relates to extramarital or premarital activity. Without question, the Bible is abundantly clear on that subject, condemning all such conduct.
God is the creator of sex. He set our human drives in motion, not to torture men and women, but to bring them enjoyment and fulfillment. Keep in mind how it all came about. Adam was unfulfilled in the Garden of Eden. God then took some flesh from Adam and performed another creative miracle—woman—similar to man in every respect except her physical reproductive system.
Instead of being opposites, they were complementary to each other. What kind of God would go out of His way to equip His special creatures for an activity, give them the necessary drives to consummate it, and then forbid its use? Certainly not the loving God presented so clearly in the Bible. Romans 8: For further proof that God approves lovemaking between married partners, consider the beautiful story that explains its origin.
This in itself makes humans the unique living creatures on the earth. Then He delivered His personal comment regarding all His creation: Then it beautifully describes their innocence in these words: Adam and Eve knew no embarrassment or shame on that occasion for three reasons: Interestingly enough, the best lovemaking in the world is not limited to beautiful people or two with perfectly sculpted bodies.
What better way is there to describe the sublime, intimate interlocking of mind, heart, emotions, and body in a passionately eruptive climax that engulfs the participants in a wave of innocent relaxation that thoroughly expresses their love? Such encounters were designed by God for mutual blessing and enjoyment. Some people have the strange idea that anything spiritually acceptable to God cannot be enjoyable. In recent years we have found great success in counseling married couples to pray together regularly.
The book How to Be Happy Though Married 3 describes a particular method of conversational prayer that we have found most helpful, and we frequently suggest this procedure because of its variety and practicality. Through the years many couples have tried it and reported remarkable results.
However, most couples find themselves so relaxed afterward that all they want to do is sleep—the sleep of contentment. The Song of Songs is notoriously frank in this respect consider 2: It is obvious that this ravishing lovemaking experience should make a man rejoice, conferring on him ecstatic pleasure.
The context plainly signifies an experience intended for mutual enjoyment. This passage also indicates that such lovemaking was not designed solely for the propagation of the race, but also for sheer enjoyment by the partners.
We find no fault with that; we would, however, point out that Solomon made the same suggestion three thousand years ago! All Bible passages should be studied in the light of their purpose in order to avoid wresting or twisting their meaning.
The above concept is strong enough as we have presented it, but it becomes even more powerful when we understand its setting.
Solomon wanted his son to enjoy a lifetime of the legitimate use of that drive by confining it to the act of marriage. Since this entire passage concerns wisdom, it is obvious that enjoyable, satisfying married love is the course of wisdom.
We would be remiss if we failed to point out Proverbs 5: God sees the intimacy practiced by married partners and approves it. His judgment is reserved only for those who violate His plan and desecrate themselves by engaging in sex outside of marriage. Isaac erred, not in engaging in foreplay with his wife, but in not restricting it to the privacy of their bedroom.
He instructed that a man was to be exempt from military service and all business responsibilities for one year after his marriage Deut. Another verse displays how thoroughly God understands the sexual drive He created in human beings—1 Corinthians 7: Because there is one legitimate, God-ordained method for releasing the natural pressure He has created in human beings —the act of marriage. He intended that husband and wife be totally dependent on each other for sexual satisfaction. It covers all kinds of interpersonal relationships, including sexual love.
Some examples have already been given, but one of the most outstanding passages follows. This is probably the clearest passage on the subject in the Bible: But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Both husband and wife have sexual needs and drives that should be fulfilled in marriage. The act of marriage is approved by God. A young mother of three came to ask me to recommend a psychiatrist to her. When I inquired why she needed one, she hesitatingly explained that her husband felt she must be harboring some deep-rooted psychological problem about sex.
She had never experienced an orgasm, could not relax during lovemaking, and felt guilty about it all. When asked when she first had these guilt feelings, she admitted to heavy petting before marriage that violated her Christian principles and the warning of her parents.
After we were married, it just seemed to be more of the same. Why did God include this sex business in marriage anyway? She simply needed to confess her premarital sins and then learn what the Bible teaches about marital love. Once her guilt had been removed, she quickly perceived that her mental picture of the act of marriage was entirely wrong. Have you wondered why we are bombarded by sex exploitation on every hand today?
Most best-selling books, top-draw movies, and magazines reek with sex, and no one will deny that sex is without question the most popular international sport. Admittedly God never intended the cheap, perverted, publicly displayed sex we see today. God intended the act of marriage to be the most sublime experience two people could share on earth. We believe that even though Spirit-filled Christians do not have an obsession with sex, do not corrupt their minds with warped distortions of it, and do not speak of it incessantly, they enjoy it more on a permanent lifetime basis than any other group of people.
He has made that clear in His Word. Abingdon-Cokesbury, , Marshalltown, Del.: National Foundation for Christian Education, , Tim LaHaye Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House, The failure of many wives to understand what lovemaking really means to a man often leads to an erroneous conclusion that stifles her natural ability to respond to his advances. All he ever thinks of is sex, sex, sex! Probably a copper-skinned giant with virility exuding from every pore of his body and elevator eyes that flirt with every pretty girl who comes along.
Nothing could be further from the truth! Bill is a quiet, dependable, hardworking, affectionate family man in his late twenties who is still a little insecure. By averaging their reports, we gain a more accurate figure.
Susie had three problems: When she confessed her sin of selfishness and learned what loving really meant to him, it changed their bedroom life. The act of marriage is vitally significant to the husband for at least five different reasons: It satisfies his sex drive. It is usually agreed that the male in all species of living creatures has the stronger sex drive, and Homo sapiens is no exception.
That does not suggest that women lack a strong sex drive, but as we will see in the next chapter, hers is sporadic whereas his is almost continual. God designed man to be the aggressor, provider, and leader of his family. Somehow that is tied to his sex drive. If unreleased through coitus, this can be very frustrating to his mental and physical well- being. For example, if psychological work or family problems weigh on his mind, he will not be as vitally conscious of that pressure as when he is relaxed.
Studies have indicated that men from rural areas consistently desire coitus more frequently than do men from urban areas in the same age brackets. Researchers explain that this occurs because urbanites tend to undergo more psychological pressures than their rural counterparts.
One other possibility, however, is that rural men of all ages tend to work harder physically and thus are probably in better physical condition than their urban counterparts, who may enjoy a more sedentary life.
One of the most common misconceptions in the minds of young married women pertains to the sexual needs of their husbands. This trend seems to reverse itself later in the marriage, but in the earlier years the frequency of sex is often cause for conflict and disagreement. Without it he would not be the man she fell in love with. It is a wise woman who cooperates with that need rather than fights against it. In human relations, attitude is everything. This is certainly true of lovemaking.
If either person looks on it as a duty to perform, that attitude will soon be perceived by his or her mate; and it will gradually deteriorate until the passion of their love is lost. Unless they read a book like this or receive Christian counseling to change their mental attitude toward the experience, it will not be long before their love is gone.
It fulfills his manhood. A man usually possesses a stronger ego than a woman. If he is not a man in his own eyes, he is nothing; and somehow his sex drive seems to be intricately linked to his ego. I have never met an impotent or sexually frustrated man who enjoyed a strong self-image. A sexually satisfied husband is a man who will rapidly develop self-confidence in other areas of his life.
Most men do not blame their insecurities on sexual frustration, because they are either too proud or do not realize the connection; but I have observed it so often that whenever I find a fractured male ego, I look for sexual frustration. A man can endure academic, occupational, and social failure as long as he and his wife relate well together in the bedroom; but success in other fields becomes a hollow mockery if he strikes out in bed.
To the man, being unsuccessful in his bedroom signals failure in life. One loving wife asked what she could do for her husband whose business had just collapsed. He was more depressed than she had ever seen him before, and she felt incapable of reaching him.
Many husbands subconsciously fear that their wives endure lovemaking out of a sense of duty or some lesser motivation. What every man needs, especially during a period of defeat, is to be convinced that his wife loves him for himself, not for anything he does for her.
I knew her dynamic, choleric husband well enough to perceive that he was not complicated enough to get suspicious; any surprise would give way to ecstasy. Later his wife reported that he not only lacked suspicion but, within five minutes after lovemaking, began to share a new business idea with her. Although that idea never materialized, it started him upward. He soon found his niche and today is enjoying a successful career.
It was her confidence that sparked my own. Much later she offered a rather interesting comment to me: But that is not really difficult to understand. But love once again succeeded when all else failed. It seems to be the only thing that gets him back to normal.
Do not be deceived by that thin coating of tough masculinity most men wear; underneath are many emotional needs that only a loving wife can supply. It seems that the Victorians did not distinguish between their premarital and their marital taboos. Naturally a good, wholesome Christian woman will not flaunt her enjoyment of sex; that is a personal matter. Far too many insecure women are tricked into thinking that they should look and act sexy in public.
That is distorted sex appeal! A truly secure woman will convey her sex appeal and satisfaction only to her husband. It gives him great pleasure and, in fact, makes his own sexual pleasure much more satisfying when he is assured that it has been mutually enjoyed.
A wise and considerate woman goes out of her way to let her man know that he is a good lover and that she enjoys their relations together. It is good for his ego and promotes honest communication between them. Only a false and insincere modesty would hide such vital knowledge from a partner. Genuine love flourishes in giving. That is why a devoted husband finds great delight in knowing his wife enjoys his lovemaking.
A secure man becomes a better father, uses better judgment, and has an improved capacity to love the entire family. It enhances his love for his wife. We are familiar with the word syndrome, but we usually associate it with negative things like illness, depression, anger, or fear.
However, it is appropriately used in conjunction with love. A love syndrome never hurt anyone, and such a syndrome is created between married partners when their lovemaking is mutually satisfying. Because a man has been endowed by God with an intense sex drive and a conscience, the satisfactory release of that drive without provoking his conscience will enhance his love for the person who makes that possible. But only one person on earth can do that—his wife.
Follow our reasoning. This can be achieved by 1 intercourse, 2 masturbation, 3 nocturnal emission, or 4 homosexuality. Intercourse is beyond comparison the most satisfying means of ejaculation, but this in turn can be accomplished by the act of marriage, by prostitution, or by adultery. Only one of these, however, is accompanied by a clear conscience—married love. Our chapter of questions and answers chapter 15 will deal with illegitimate sexual experiences, but here it must be pointed out that they all have one factor in common: By contrast, the act of marriage when properly performed is followed by physical relaxation based on innocence.
Like any normal man, Joe found that intolerable. We may never know whether he was actually unfaithful, for after some straightforward talk in the counseling room, Bobbie went home to love her husband unconditionally.
At first he was stunned to find his wife sexually aggressive, but in typically masculine fashion he made the necessary adjustment. He found legitimate, enjoyable lovemaking with his wife so satisfying that he was no longer tempted to look elsewhere.
One satisfied husband summed it up rather graphically when asked if he had ever been tempted to try extramarital experiences: It reduces friction in the home.
Another result of a satisfying relationship between a couple is that it tends to reduce minor irritations in the home.
A sexually satisfied man is usually a contented man. This will not solve major problems— it will not repair a bent fender or compensate for overcharging the budget—but it does reduce minor irritations. Somehow the world looks better to a man and his difficulties shrink to life size when sexual harmony prevails. It is as though his hard work and the pressures of life are worth it all when he and his wife consummate their love properly.
More is involved in this than just the satisfaction of the glands. A man sacrifices a great deal when he gets married—or at least he thinks so. As a single man, he is rather carefree and unpressured. If he sees something he wants, he just buys it whether he can afford it or not. That all changes with marriage.
A woman thinks about economics occasionally, but usually with limited, short-range deliberation. The husband, however, must go to bed with the mental awareness that he is the supporter of his family. Unless he learns early in life to commit his way to the Lord, that can be a heavy load to carry. The husband went his own selfish way into irresponsibility, and both remained miserable. The titanic emotional and physical explosion that culminates the act of marriage for the husband is easily the most exciting experience he ever enjoys, at least on a repeatable basis.
At that moment all other thoughts are obliterated from his mind; every gland and organ of his body seems to reach a fevered pitch.
By this time his breathing accelerates and he groans in ecstasy as the pressure breaks forth with the release of semen into the object of his love. Words are inadequate to describe this fantastic experience. Although the aggressive nature of men finds them engaging in various exciting activities we know ski jumpers, motorcycle racers, jet pilots, sky divers, and pro football players , they all agree that lovemaking heads the list.
A heart patient provided the best description that we have heard of what the act of marriage means to a man. Warned by his doctor that any unnecessary physical exertion could kill him, he continued love relations with his wife.
At times he endured a body-rending experience of shock afterward—his heart palpitating, his face losing its color, and his extremities turning cold and clammy. Sometimes it took one or two hours before he could even get off the bed. If he loves and cherishes her the way God commands him, a warm and affectionate relationship will develop to enrich their entire married life; the exciting and pleasurable experience of mutual lovemaking will be shared several thousand times during their marriage.
A sexually satisfied husband is a motivated man. Unless he is speaking of an abnormal frequency of several times a day, his advice is simply not valid. A sexually frustrated man has a hard time concentrating, is prone to be edgy and harder to work with, and, more important, finds it difficult to retain lasting goals.
By contrast, the truly satisfied husband refuses to waste his business day on trivia; he wants each moment to count so he can get home to the wife and family who give all his hard work real purpose and meaning.
Sex Drive and Thought Life The most consistent spiritual problem faced by the average red-blooded Christian man relates to his thought life. The male sex drive is so powerful that sex often seems to be uppermost in his mind. Dirty jokes and stories punctuated by four-letter words become a constant verbal bombardment.
Shortly after he becomes a Christian, such a man is convicted by the Word of God and the Holy Spirit to change his thought patterns. Such mental adultery has probably brought more sincere men to spiritual defeat than any other single sin. Many Christian women fail to understand this male problem, and this is one reason why they often adopt such scanty dress.
If they realized the thought problems that their indecent exposure causes the average man, many of them would dress more modestly; but since they are not so sexually stimulated at the sight of a male body, they do not readily perceive the male response.
I caught this message as a G. After nineteen days on K. I returned to the quartermaster for a regular-sized broom, but during the cleanup I became aware of something rather startling: By contrast, the men in our barracks sported pinup pictures of girls!
Not until the recent overemphasis on sex have women reflected an increasing problem in this area. But they apparently have to cultivate it; men get it by nature.
Another illustration of the fact that women seem to lack the visual lust problem occurred recently in our home. Looking through Sports Illustrated, I came upon a picture of Mr. We have reviewed all this to make an important point. A loving, sexually responsive wife can be a great asset to her husband in keeping his thought life pleasing to God.
In fact, God has promised to give a warm-blooded, affectionate man the grace to live with a cold, indifferent woman. Her reward will be his ready response to her mood, and together they can share the rapturous experience of married love. Mosby, , Ralston, , Published by Revell, Old Tappan, N. Sexual pleasure from the little woman was assumed to be their divine right, and their relations were usually one-sided experiences that left an affectionate wife with the frustrated feeling that she had been used, not loved.
Assuming that he had the gift of intuitive knowledge in this department, a man took his innocent bride to their love nest and taught her only what she needed to know to satisfy his sex drive.
It is no wonder that many wives began to lose a desire for sexual intercourse and lovemaking turned into a chore.
LaHaye, Tim - Left Behind 11 - Armageddon
Even worse, some frustrated wives became evangelists of coolness toward sex. Thus a Christian man today enters marriage more sensitive to the love needs of his bride and more concerned with her satisfaction. He respects her as a special creation of God who should be accepted and understood.
During the past decade several books on marriage dealing quite frankly with the subject have given men a greater understanding of women. And the more he knows about her, the more he can tailor his affectionate passions to her emotional needs. However, after dealing with hundreds of these delicate creatures in the privacy of the counseling room, my wife and I have discovered to a greater extent what the act of marriage means to a woman.
Let us consider these five significant areas that show what lovemaking means to a woman: It fulfills her womanhood. Self-image psychology is the rage today.
Every bookstand carries several self-help publications, and many are best-sellers. Surely this is true of a married woman. If she considers herself unsuccessful in bed, she will have a difficult time accepting her total womanhood. It should not come as a surprise that almost every bride feels insecure when she marries. From ages eighteen to twenty- five few people are secure. It often takes from one-third to one- half of a lifetime for people to accept themselves.
Naturally, being a Spirit-filled Christian contributes to a good self-image, but marriage is one of the most important decisions a person makes in life; consequently any normal person will face it with a degree of trepidation. Not incidentally, we have yet to counsel a woman who has a good self-image if she has no desire for sexual intercourse.
One way to understand the function of the female mind is to contrast it with the male thought system. A man has the God-given mandate to be the provider of the family. Consequently his mental psyche is so oriented that he gains much of his self-image from successful occupational pursuits.
Ask a junior-age boy what he wants to be when he grows up and he will usually reply that he wants to be a fireman, a policeman, a doctor, a baseball player, or a jet pilot. Although he changes that goal several times as he matures, it does indicate his vocational psyche.
It took only a moment to detect her hostility arising from the humiliation of having to interview a minister. Most newspapers assign cub reporters to the religion desk, as in her case. Would you mind if I ask you a personal question?
She should never be ashamed of this psychical phenomenon; God made her this way. The most frustrated women in the world are those who stifle or substitute that tendency for a lesser priority. If our assumption is true, and we believe it is, then her rating as a wife is all-important to a woman.
A wife is more than a mother and homemaker. She is also a sexual partner to her mate. Like the male, if she does not succeed in the bedroom, she fails also in other areas—for two reasons: A woman receives major portions of her self-esteem from her husband.
In fact, we have yet to find a woman with a good self-image who disapproves of herself as a wife. An anxious woman came for counseling to ask my opinion as to whether she or her husband was right. Today she is a mature woman with a reasonably good self-image. The one point on which psychologists agree is that all people have a basic need to be loved.
This is generally more true of women than men. Women have a tremendous capacity for love, both giving and receiving.
However, many are unaware of the five kinds of love required by a woman. Few women enjoy solitude for long periods of time. Have you noticed how few hermits and recluses are women? A few exceptions may be found among the aged, of course, when women become senile or have outlived all their loved ones. When he arrives home, he may find his wife craving his attention and company. If men realized this need in their wives, they would spend less time in front of the television set when they are at home and learn to enjoy wifely companionship.
It is unwise for a wife to direct all the conversation toward her interests when her husband comes home. It is a good rule to accompany his arrival home with pleasant conversation that is interesting to him and conveys a message of love and welcome. This usually involves allowing him to share his thoughts with her and showing her interest in his activities.
This gives her opportunities to build him up with her positive comments. Couples seldom have problems being good companions before marriage, but if they fail to cultivate that relationship, they seem to lose it.
It is often hard for a woman to give physical love to a man who does not return her companionship love.
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It is always easier to give love when it is needed and appreciated by the receiver. A good wife must know that her husband needs her companionship just as she requires his, no matter how successful or busy he may be.
In fact, the more prosperous he is in his vocation, the more she needs his companionship. A woman has a natural bedside manner, but only a few men display that kind of compassion. When a child or husband hurts, who runs to his aid? Who jumps out of bed at 2: That is especially true when she is suffering emotionally or physically. It is regrettable that the man who enjoys her compassionate love when he hurts is often slow to return it to his loving wife.
The Golden Rule is quite applicable here. Women are romantics! Lurking in the heart of every girl even when she is grown up is the image of prince charming on his white horse coming to wake up the beautiful princess with her first kiss of love. For that reason she needs romance, flowers, music, soft lights, dinner out, and a host of other things.
Unfortunately many a man fails to understand that, primarily because his need for romantic love is either nonexistent or minimal. But he is married to a creature with an extraordinary need for romance. Some men misjudge their wives, deeming them more practical-minded than other women. This difference between men and women may contribute to feelings of incompatibility after marriage. His emotions are near the surface and easily ignited; hers are deep and burn slowly.
I remember driving up in front of the church one Sunday. Five men were watching as I walked around the car and opened the door for Beverly. Frankly, I felt self-conscious, but she made it all worthwhile, not only by the little squeeze on my hand as we walked into church, but also later that night. After preaching five times that day, I was exhausted as we pulled into the driveway. As I put the car in park, I was amazed to hear her door open and see her run around in front of the headlights to lift the double garage door.
What made her do it? Jeri is a case in point. At twenty-one she was led to Christ by a young woman in our church with whom she had gone to high school. When she first started attending services, she wore blue jeans and a white T-shirt. Outwardly she was somewhat coarse and very independent. As she grew in her faith in the Lord, she began to dress up and fix her hair.
Surprisingly she proved to be a very attractive young woman. Before long Roy met her, asked to meet her parents, and started dating her. About a year later Jeri came into my office to discuss wedding plans. The reason is simple: Most women crave kisses of appreciation. You perhaps are acquainted with some exceptions—so are we—but if you look deeper you will find that such lack of affection has been learned.
It is sometimes caused by a husband who demands quick sex instead of slow lovemaking. Some inconsiderate men can be satisfied with that, but almost all women are not.
To them a tender touch, a warm embrace, and the closeness of the one they love is almost as enjoyable as the more intimate contact. In fact, many wives respond to an approving look and words of commendation.
It is a wise husband who breaks out of the routine frequently to voice approval of his wife. Such men do not testify to sexual starvation, for they have learned that their wives are ignited by the little expressions of affection that often seem meaningless to a man.
But almost every time I return from a seminar on a Saturday night, I pick up a bouquet of roses for Bev in the airport. Frankly, it took several years to learn the rewards of conforming my behavior to her need for affection. She not only likes yellow roses but is grateful that I was thinking of her as I came into town. Impassioned love comes naturally to a man because of his stronger sex drive. Most women have to cultivate the appetite for passionate loving, but be sure of this —they have the capacity to learn.
The husband who confers affectionate love upon his mate can teach her passionate love. And any man who has done so will testify that it is time well invested. On occasions, given the right place, privacy, and quality of affection, she can thoroughly enjoy passionate love. But remember one thing: Many a married man is surrounded by secretaries or other employees whose physical allurements are on display during working hours.
When a husband is confronted by another woman who happens to be on his wavelength, the best safeguard against moral problems is a warm love relationship with his wife.
This yearning for reassurance was beautifully shared by a close friend, whose lovely wife had incurred a crippling disease that gradually diminished her bodily movement.
Because he loved her dearly and knew she suffered great pain, he restrained himself valiantly from making love to her. One night he was lying beside her, trying to go to sleep, when he felt the bed shaking. Listening for a moment, he heard muffled sobs. What greater affirmation of my love than to deny myself what every organ in my body is crying out for? All women do. It satisfies her sex drive. Although a woman may not possess as strong or consistent a sex drive as a man, she does have a sex drive.
Research indicates that almost all women are more passionate just before, during, or after their monthly menstruation and, of course, in the middle of her month at the time of highest fertility.
Moreover, her sexual pleasure grows through the years. As she learns to be uninhibited in her responses to her husband and increasingly learns to experience orgasms, her appreciation and desire for the experience grows. A woman does not seem so readily tempted to fantasize as does her husband. However, she does have the capacity to remember romantically those exciting experiences of the past. Consequently each thrilling lovemaking event increases her sex drive in the same way that each frustrating experience stifles it.
It relaxes her nervous system. We have consistently noted that women who have no desire for sexual intercourse are nervous women. Note that we did not say that every nervous woman is sexally indifferent or negative. Some women are simply nervous by nature.
But a lack of desire for sex almost invariably produces nervousness. It is important, therefore, that a wife learn a healthy sexual expression toward her husband. As with a man, the female nervous system is intrinsically tied to the reproductive organs. God has made it possible for wives from all walks of life to enjoy a hygienically relaxing experience on their marriage bed. It is true that the act of marriage exists for the propagation of the race and personal enjoyment, and it does promote fidelity and fulfillment; but it also contributes a much-needed relaxant for the nervous system.
The ultimate experience. One young mother took exception to that statement, insisting that childbearing offered greater excitement. But we refer to a feminine experience on a regular and frequent basis. The Most Beautiful Meaning of All An important meaning of the act of marriage is purposely presented last.
We think it is the most beautiful of all. Simply stated, it is the provision of one ongoing life experience that a husband and wife share uniquely with each other.
If the husband is a teacher or mechanic, other persons share in the fruits of his skills. If the wife is a good cook or an attractive woman, the husband is not the only one who enjoys those gifts.
But behind their closed bedroom door, a couple experiences oneness—a sublime moment uniting them in an exclusively intimate union unshared by anyone else on earth. That is a major reason why the act of marriage is such a binding, uniting, and enriching influence on a couple.
The meaning of oneness resulting from mutual lovemaking is far more important than the time spent in the experience. If a typical couple spends about thirty minutes in a single lovemaking experience an average of three times a week, the act of love would account for only one and a half hours per week, or nine-tenths of 1 percent of their time.
Yet no other repeatable experience is more important to that couple. The partners who relate enjoyably to each other spend many hours in emotional and mental harmony in anticipation of the experience and follow it with many hours of mutual contentment and closeness because of their love. Probably no powerful human encounter cements their relationship more firmly than the act of marriage. Pocket Books, , And it is nearly universal, for everywhere you go on planet Earth you see its results—children.
Unfortunately, the experience is not always confined to marriage and therein is the problem—for the sex act, which God intended for marriage as a blessing to both men and women, has become one of the greatest social problems of our day. This problem is not unique to the twenty-first century. If you recall, the misuse of the sex drive so polluted the earth in the days of Noah that God destroyed all but eight people and started the population over again.
History shows that nothing has changed. Our own culture, by the misuse of the God-given gift of sexual expression, has created an unbelievable upsurge of unwed teenage mothers. One American woman is reported to be a grandmother at the age of twenty-four! Social tolerance of this behavior has produced a wave of sexual vice from incest to homosexuality and the murder of over four thousand unborn babies every day.
The wanton exercise of the sex drive has produced an unprecedented rise in sexually transmitted diseases STD and AIDS-related plagues that, even in this day of advanced medical research, have no cure. This widespread misuse of the sex drive, of course, does not include the untold suffering caused by the rampant violation of wedding vows that recent surveys indicate has affected as much as 30 percent of the married population. Every reader of this book is acquainted with couples whose marriage was either destroyed by one partner having sex with another person or by the sexual attraction of one person to another.
They do! Not as frequently as non-Christians, but sexual sins have invaded even the church at an alarming rate. We have all been shocked by church leaders who have fallen into sexual sin. Like all pastors, I regret to say I saw it in my own congregation, even in some couples whom I married after giving careful premarital counseling. I was, of course, heartbroken. I had married the woman years ago to her childhood sweetheart.
Can you imagine going to the first big family holiday dinner after it has become known that as an act of passion or alienation of affection you violated your wedding vows? Or maybe worse, not going for the same reason?
It is true, God can and does forgive even adultery and fornication, when truly repented of and confessed, but the relationship is never the same. For many the suffering never really goes away. Unfaithful individuals may never be able to forgive themselves. Their spouses, because of love and obedience to God, may try, but it often takes years before sexual trust is restored between such couples.
The suffering experienced before that injury heals is impossible to imagine. It is something you would not wish on anyone, particularly someone you love.
Sexual Sins Are Number One! This abuse of sex is not new. The apostle Paul addressed the problem already in the first century. Twice he catalogued the most common sins of humankind, both in Romans 1 and Galatians 5.
In both instances he listed sexual sins first. Because they are first! In the Romans passage he listed sexual impurity even before envy, greed, and murder. In Galatians 5: One of my favorite ministries is speaking at Maximum Man Conferences. I do about five to ten each year. At such conferences I point out to the men that if they have a problem with sexual fantasies or sexual temptation, they are not weird or oversexed as some think; they are very normal.
I then show them how to have victory over such temptation, and victory is very well possible, witnessed by the fact that most Christian men as high as 70 percent in some surveys do not violate their sexual commitment to their wives, even though it is tempting, particularly in this day when sex is used to advertise and sell almost everything.
Merchants use the most powerful force in human nature to sell their products, and today they have access to our minds in our own homes via television. All of this brings us full circle to our question: Obviously He had to precede it with a strong sex drive, and that drive, although providing billions of married couples four to six thousand ecstatic experiences over a fifty-year marriage, has also caused billions of others untold heartache and misery beyond description.
Consider the following: To propagate the race. We have already seen that this command was given before their sin of rebellion to His will had reared its ugly head as we see in chapter 3. Therefore, He was commanding them to fulfill a righteous act and populate the earth.
From that humble beginning of two individuals, God set in motion a replicating power that has produced almost six billion people at the present time, and some suggest that another six billion preceded us, not even factoring in the enormous population that lived before the Flood.
All of this tells us that the principal reason God gave us our incredible sex drive is to propagate the race, not just with living bodies such as Adam had when he was created, but with living souls, such as God breathed into him: To provide mutual pleasure in marriage.
As I have already tried to make clear, the truth is that He has given this marvelous gift to married couples of all generations for mutual happiness and pleasure. Yet the message is timeless. Tyndale House Publishers, September The Remnant: On the Brink of Armageddon Jerry B. The Indwelling: Antichrist Takes the Throne Jerry B. Glorious Appearing: The End of Days Jerry B. Matthew's Story Jerry B. Berkley, February Our price: Babylon Rising Book 3: Random House Publishing Group, October Babylon Rising: Random House Publishing Group, August Random House Publishing Group, July Turn Your Life Around: FaithWords, December The Merciful God of Prophecy: FaithWords, November Mark's Story: Berkley, October John's Story: Berkley, September New Leaf Press, March Tyndale House Publishers, July Tyndale House Publishers, April Tyndale House Publishers, February Taken Jerry B.
Tyndale House Publishers, October Pursued Jerry B.
Signet Classic, February Faith of Our Founding Fathers: Master Books, June Tyndale House Publishers, May Die huweliksdaad eBoek: Hulle wat agterbly eBoek Jerry B.
William C Grace. Holding onto Hope. Kathryn J. The 12 Gemstones of Revelation. Mary Trask. The Terminal Generation: A Revolutionary Revelation. Gary King.On first arousal the husband will be able to feel the clitoris with his fingers, but his wife will go through several physiological changes as her excitement mounts. Teens today know more about sex than those of any other generation in the history of the world, thanks to humanistic educators and amoral movie and TV producers.
She not only likes yellow roses but is grateful that I was thinking of her as I came into town. Sperm or spermatozoa—the male seed, manufactured in the testicles, that fertilizes the female egg. Target Israel: In addition, such books usually advocate practices considered improper by biblical standards.
As with many of his wonderful gifts to humankind, it is only when we distort it and misuse it that it becomes twisted and ugly. It is unrealistic to expect two virgins to reach simultaneous climaxes on the first night of their honeymoon.
Unless he learns early in life to commit his way to the Lord, that can be a heavy load to carry. His relaxing penis will then be unable to continue the motion on the sides of the vagina and the clitoris necessary to bring her to climax.